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“Even though I was decaying, Amelia was growing. It was like some beautiful symphony the way both things were happening at once.”
Sacrificing your life for your child is one of the greatest ways a mother can show her love. For Cara Michaels, that sacrifice was made.
At ten weeks pregnant, Cara was diagnosed with a fast-acting cancer and was faced with the ultimate decision… That decision, was to forgo life-saving treatment to ensure her child would come into this world unharmed.
Cara shares with us the last months of her life as she prepared to give birth to her child and for her husband, Joel, to parent without her.
CHAPTER
ONE
Everyone has a story, I know that. Just like everyone
has that moment, or for some, moments, in their life that changed them forever.
I don’t mean the moment where you realize your career sucks and you want to do
something different, or the sudden urge to get covered in tattoos - not that
there’s anything wrong with that. No, I mean the change that happens deep
inside of you. The one that comes from within the core of your being—the one
that is no choice of your own; it just happens. It’s uncontrollable and
irrevocable. Suddenly the person you see in the mirror has a depth within their
eyes. A depth that has been born from inconceivable pain.
It’s a moment that, for the rest of your life, you try
to make sense out of. Whether you try to figure out why it happened or why it
changed you so much, you search for some sort of reasoning. But there isn’t
any. It just is.
Well, my name is Cara Michaels, and this is my story…
I thought the moment that changed my life happened
when I found out I was pregnant. I guess in a way, it did, because if I wasn’t
pregnant, I would have had a fighting chance…
But my real life-changing moment came several weeks
later. The day I’m talking about is March, 10th and it was a
beautiful spring morning. The sun was shining brightly in the softest blue sky
as a gentle breeze danced through my hair. It was abnormally warm for the
beginning of March but I loved it. Life couldn’t have been better as my
devilishly handsome husband, Joel, drove us to our new home. I’m sure you think
I’m joking when I say he’s devilishly handsome, but boy was he. His lips were
luscious and pink, and always seemed to be begging to be kissed, and behind his
chocolate brown eyes was a depth of passion that came straight from his soul.
The way he would look at me with such love, it was like something from the
movies. A love that most women only dream of. And there was just something
delicious about the five o’clock shadow that covered his chiseled jawline. His
muscles weren’t like a body builder, but they were large enough that his tee
shirts hugged him tightly. And he always smelled like Old Spice. I loved that
about him…
Joel had always promised that before we started our
family, we would buy our own house. And he was keeping his promise.
“Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go,” I said as I smacked my
hand on the dash. “Can’t you drive any faster?”
Joel glanced over at me, smiling, before returning his
eyes to the road and shaking his head. “We’re a block away. You’ve survived
this long; I’m sure another two minutes won’t kill you.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure of that. If people can die
from heartache, I’m sure excitement can kill too.”
Joel laughed. “Those two things aren’t even remotely
comparable.”
“That’s not the point…” I perked my head up and moved
it at different angles, trying to look around objects that obstructed my view.
We were driving through a suburban neighborhood so it was only trees and
vehicles in my way.
The first time we drove through that area we got
lost…and again the second time. It would take anyone a while to be comfortable
navigating the maze of cookie cutter houses in the subdivision. I had made Joel
drive by the house often enough that he now had no problem finding it.
“Sometimes I don’t know what I’m going to do with
you,” he sighed in mock exasperation.
I squealed with delight as we pulled into the paved
driveway that sat on the right side of the tan house. I unbuckled my seatbelt
and had my hand on the door handle, waiting to open it. The moment the car was
in park, I jumped out and ran across the walkway that curved through the front
yard. I slid my hand along the wooden railing as I made my way up the brick
steps that led to the porch, then turned to look at Joel.
“Ugh, come on,” I complained as I peeked through the
windows, anxious to get inside.
I had been waiting for this day since we closed on the
house a month ago. Much to my dismay, Joel and I had agreed to give the
previous owners an extra thirty days to move out. If it were up to me, we would
have moved in the same day we signed the paperwork. That wait was excruciating,
just so you know.
“Calm down, Killer,” Joel joked as he joined me on the
porch and teased me by dangling the key in front of my face. “Ready?”
“Yes, yes, now come on!”
After he unlocked the door, Joel held it open for
me. As I walked inside he said, “Welcome
home.”
Two words never sounded so nice.
My cheeks started to hurt from smiling so widely as I
danced from room to room, talking about how I could decorate and lay out the
furniture. I’m sure Joel couldn’t make out a word of what I said because I was
talking so fast. The main level had a decently large galley kitchen that was
down the hall from the living room, though they were close enough that you
could see one if you stood in the other. There was a large dining room that
would require us to buy a new table; the one we had was way too small. At the
end of the hall was the bathroom, which also had the washer and dryer in it,
and an office sat beside it. The first time I toured the house, I decided I was
going to turn that office in to a laundry room and I was starting to think that
I would make that one of our first projects. I made my way back to the entry
room where Joel still stood and stopped in my tracks.
“When do the movers come?” I paused to catch my
breath. I hadn’t realized how winded I was. “We need to get everything done as
soon as we can so we can start working on the baby’s room.”
Joel walked up and placed one hand on my stomach and
the other around my back as he gave me a quick kiss.
“Don’t you worry, the van comes in a few hours and I
will make sure everything gets done.” He looked down towards my belly as he
spoke, “you just need to tell your mommy not to stress over anything. We have
seven more months to get everything ready.”
“I know stress isn’t good,” I sighed. “There’s just so
much to do and…we have a home now! Our own house to raise our little family!
How exciting is that?”
“Very.” Joel laughed as he started to massage my
shoulders.
Pain shot through me and I inhaled sharply as I tried
to wiggle out from Joel’s grasp.
He narrowed his gaze. “What’s wrong?”
“I just got this bruise,” I moved the sleeve of my
shirt down off of my shoulder so I could show him.
“Christ, Cara! What the hell did you do?”
The bruise sat next to my collar bone and was bigger
than I remembered, stretching nearly to my armpit. The outer edge was a light
blue but the majority of the bruise was deep purple, certainly not a pretty
sight.
“Lord only knows. You know me—I could have walked into
a wall or something.” Which was the truth. I couldn’t remember how I got the
bruise but I’m also the type of woman who bends down to plug in a lamp and hits
my head on the wall.
“That doesn’t look like something you’d get just from
bumping into a doorway, Cara.” Joel placed his hands on the edge of the bruise,
careful not to hurt me, and leaned in as if to get a better look.
Wiggling free, I pulled my sleeve back up, careful not
to hit my shoulder. “It’s just a bruise Joel. I’m not going to die,” I laughed.
He seriously had a tendency to worry too much. “Really, have you not seen where
they took blood from me the other day? I look like I shoot up.” I held my arm
out to show him the puncture wound. The scab was still visible from where the
needle went in and that too, was bruised.
“Alright, well just-” his words were cut off as the
moving van pulled up. “That was fast. I’ll have to text Ryan and let him know
the van is already here. He wanted to come over and help out.”
Ryan was Joel’s best friend. They first met in middle
school but went separate ways after high school. Someway, somehow, life had
brought them together again and they now worked together at the same company.
Ryan had always had a touch of a rebel side to him and as soon as he was able
to legally get a tattoo without parental consent, he did. Now he had full
sleeves that covered both arms. When he ran out of room there, he started to
get some down his chest and a few on his legs. It suited him well, though. He
was still getting a tattoo whenever he could but for the time being he was
making it his life’s mission to get a Harley. No, he never wore leather or a
bandanna to try to fit the typical biker guy stereotype. That’s something we
loved about him; he was always just him. He never wanted to fit in to any
stereotype.
Anyway, Joel was able to get the day off for the move
but Ryan had promised to come by after work to help out.
“Ok, wait, he isn’t going to bring Jenn, is he?”
It’s not that I hated the woman, she was just way too
needy. She was the type that practically begged for constant attention and it
drove me crazy sometimes. She was pretty, I’ll give her that. I mean she was
tall and skinny with long red hair, so I guess you could say we were complete
opposites. I’m a little on the short side—okay a lot on the short side. I was
never overweight, but my body was definitely curvy, which was only enhancing
thanks to the pregnancy, and I had shoulder length black hair and green eyes.
Jenn was the typical blue eyed beauty. Maybe a part of me was jealous—maybe.
But Joel’s grimace told me all I needed to know.
My shoulders fell as I leaned my head back. “Oh my
God,” I groaned. “Fine. But that girl is seriously annoying.”
“Put her to work,” Joel suggested.
I stared into his eyes as I pointed my finger at him.
“Seriously, that’s a genius idea. Or we can just ‘accidently’ lock her in the
basement. Just saying.”
As Joel was about to respond, my cell phone rang. I
looked down at the screen and saw that it was the hospital. “Kidding,” I
whispered to Joel as I stepped into the other room and answered my phone.
The only time the hospital ever called was to remind
me of an upcoming appointment or if I’ve missed one. I had just had an
appointment a few days ago and wasn’t due to go back for another month. For all
I knew, maybe midwives called their patients randomly throughout the pregnancy.
This is my first one so I was clueless.
After I answered the phone, my body went cold. They
didn’t give me bad news…they just didn’t give me any news at all really. It was
the receptionist at the doctor’s office that called me and all she said was
that Pam, my midwife, wanted to see me to go over the results of my bloodwork.
I didn’t know if that was normal or not, but I was confused nonetheless, and a
horrible feeling sank to the pit of my stomach. Especially when she said that
Pam wanted me to come in now.
When I hung up the phone, I walked out to the front
porch where Joel was talking to the van driver. I didn’t plan on interrupting
their conversation but Joel saw the worry on my face and immediately turned his
attention to me. I’ve always loved that about him, how he cares so much.
“Hey, what’s going on?” He rubbed his hands down my
arms.
“That was the hospital. Um, they said we need to go
back in, that Pam needs to talk about the results of my blood work.”
“What? Why?” Now his expression resembled what I’m
sure mine looked like. Confused. Lost. Worried…
“I—I don’t know. But they want us to go in now and I’m
trying to stay positive but I’m scared and I don’t know why they would want me
to go all the way in right now instead of waiting for my next appointment.” My
words were rushed and mushed together and my hands were flinging around as I
used them to accentuate my speech, something I only did when I was upset.
Joel pulled me in for a hug. “Hey, hey—it’ll be okay.
Ryan will be here any minute so try not to think too much. It’ll be okay.”
After Ryan and Jenn arrived, Joel drove me to the
hospital, leaving Ryan in charge of getting everything off of the moving van. I
sat in the waiting room, anxious to see what Pam so desperately needed to talk
to me about. Whenever I was sitting, at least one of my legs was in constant
motion and I chewed on my nails. When I was walking, I was sprinting. The nurse
finally called my name and I jumped right up. Usually the nurses would make me
pee in a cup and take my weight but this time Joel and I followed the petite
blonde in pink scrubs straight into the exam room.
“Pam will be with you in a minute,” the nurse said as
she typed something into the computer that was in the room. I scooted up on the
bed and swore I saw something in the nurse’s eyes when she glanced at me. I
didn’t know what it was, but I knew it wasn’t good. The nurse left the room and
though we only waited a few minutes, it felt like eternity to me. I came up
with a million questions in my head and I prayed I wouldn’t have to ask any of
them.
“Cara, how are you feeling?” Pam asked as she walked
into the room.
“I don’t know. I felt great but now I’m pretty
nervous.”
She pressed her lips together before saying, “I’m
going to be straight with you here. There were some things that came back in
your bloodwork that set off a red flag.”
I glanced at Joel before quickly turning my attention
back to Pam. My heart clenched in my chest before it began racing. I tried not
to worry but apparently that’s easier said than done.
“What’s that mean?” Joel asked. I was grateful that he
spoke up because I didn’t trust my voice.
“Well nothing is certain yet.” Pam leaned against the
wall. “Cara, I have a few quick questions for you. Have you felt dizzy or maybe
extremely tired lately?”
“Well, yeah. Isn’t that normal though?” My heart
pounded in my chest. I thought those were normal pregnancy woes, weren’t they?
“Yes, it is to an extent. What about shortness of
breath or maybe some bruising?”
“Yeah,” I dragged the word out. “You’re really
starting to scare me.” My palms were sweaty so I wiped them along my pants to
dry them.
“May I see?” Her eyes widened and she raised her
brows, making it less of a question and more of an order.
“Yeah.” I stood up and turned my back to her as I
lifted up the back of my shirt. The sting of her cold hands on my flesh made
jerk away from her a little bit. I think she mistook that for pain because she
immediately backed away. As I let my shirt fall back down she continued to
speak.
“Well, I’d like to get some more tests done,” Pam
paused. “Specifically a bone marrow test.”
“A what?” Joel snapped.
“What for?” I grabbed Joel’s hand.
“Well nothing is certain-”
“Pam, what are you testing me for? What’s wrong with
the baby?” I felt the blood drain out of my face. Not my baby. Anything but my
baby.
“No, the baby is okay and growing well.”
I was relieved that my baby was okay, but me? What in
the world could be wrong with me? “Then it’s me? What is it?”
“Why don’t we get that bone marrow test and go from
there, okay? We’ll get you sent over for the testing right away and then back
here in my office on Monday if that’s alright?”
“I—yeah…” My head was filled with questions but I was
too confused to get any of them out. I probably should have asked some of them,
but what would I ask? Even with all of the questions in my head, none of them
would have given me the definitive answer I wanted right then.
I was nervous about the bone marrow test. I thought I
would be in excruciating pain and would be sore for a long time. I don’t know
why I thought that, but it didn’t hurt too badly. It was more of an annoying
pain, kind of like when the dentist pulls a tooth after giving you Novocain.
You don’t really feel the pain of tooth being pulled, you really just feel the
pressure. Does that make sense?
I tried not to worry, but that proved to be nearly
impossible. Joel did his best to comfort me as I did my best to be strong for
him. I’ve always known how much he loved me, and I never wanted him to go
through the pain of seeing me hurt in any way. I always said that I wanted him
to die before me, so I could keep him from feeling that type of pain, so I
pretended to be strong.
We worked on unpacking over the next several days, and
when Monday finally rolled around, I was a nervous wreck. I kept telling myself
that whatever it was I would be fine and my baby would be fine because I
wouldn’t let anything happen to my baby. I couldn’t.
When Pam walked in, a sad smile crossed her face and I
knew the news wasn’t good. My body went cold as I tried to prepare myself for
whatever it was she had to say.
“What is it?” I croaked and Joel wrapped his arm
around me and kissed my head.
Pam slid her stool over in front of my chair as she
sat down and placed a hand on my knee. “I’m afraid there’s no easy way to say
this, Cara. You have acute myeloid leukemia.”
is a compelling and emotional story that follows Cara Michael's story as her world is turned upside down when she is diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia on her tenth week of pregnancy, and the difficult decision that she makes to sacrifice her life by forgoing chemotherapy in order to give her unborn baby life.
Author Candis Vargo weaves a heartbreaking story told in the first person narrative, as Cara takes the reader along on the last few months of her heart wrenching journey, and how this unexpected tragedy completely devastates her husband Joel.
I found myself captivated by this story, it took me on a roller coaster ride where I felt the full gamut of emotions. You just can't help but feel compassion and empathy for Cara and Joel as their world is turned upside down by the traumatic diagnosis that completely shattered their dreams except for the little miracle that was growing in Cara's tummy. This is a beautifully written story that easily draws the reader in from beginning to end. It is a thought provoking and emotional story of a mother's undying love for her unborn child, and a husband's unfathomable sorrow and emotional attempt to pick up the pieces and move forward that will simply tug at the heartstrings and stir the soul.
is a powerfully emotional women's fiction story that will break your heart, and stay with you long after the last word has been read.
used her love for books as a way to escape reality (and her brother constantly trying to kill her--literally). She blames her love of all things Horror on being born on Friday the 13th and will always find joy in scaring her friends.
You will find a little piece of her in every book she writes. She loves a good happy ending but isn’t afraid to keep her stories real, even if that means telling the side of a story most people are afraid to tell.
Never caring for the norms or boundaries, Candis has written several genres from Horror to Erotica.
When she's not writing or reading, she can usually be found chasing her children around or binge watching Netflix. She currently lives in Rome, Pennsylvania with her husband and three children.
