Book Review
Until We Collide by Charlotte Fallowfield
Publisher: Independent Self Publishing
Publication Date: February 21, 2016
Format: Paperback - 227 pages
Kindle - 1946 KB
ISBN: 978-1519156662
ASIN: B019NZR1OA
Genre: Romantic Comedy
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Amazon - US
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Disclaimer: I received a copy of the book from the author in exchange for my honest review.
Book Description:
What do you do when the guy you’re in love with is seeing someone else?
That’s the dilemma facing Paige Taylor. All of her life she’s only ever had eyes for the gorgeous Alec Wright, but despite their undeniable chemistry, their timing has always been off. Fast approaching her thirtieth birthday, Paige despairs of ever finding love and a happy ever after. Her best friend Poppie tells her that she can either watch life pass her by, or grab it with both hands. She convinces Paige to throw herself back into the dating pool, or she could be waiting for Alec forever.
What Paige didn’t expect was the catalogue of dating disasters to follow. A neck brace, jelly fish, stitches, flashing and an encounter with a gorilla were some of the most memorable. Despite some downright hilarious, humiliating and cringe worthy dates, her biological clock is ticking and Paige is determined to keep trying until she finds the one.
Was Alec Wright always her Mr. Right, or is he still out there waiting to be found?
Join Paige in her quest to find the ultimate prize. Love.
Book Excerpt:
Chapter One
The Cow's Arse
‘Poppie, you’d tell me if I was about to make a fool out of myself, wouldn’t you?’ I asked my best friend, biting my lower lip nervously as I waited for her answer.
‘Please,’ she muttered, with a roll of her glossy chocolate eyes as she buttoned up my stark white long coverall. She stepped back to cast an appraising eye over my new look and giggled. ‘You look quite the part.’
‘O shut up,’ I giggled in response, reaching up to smooth my ponytail and check for any stray hairs. I’d taken extra care this morning, using my hair straighteners to ease out all of the natural waves in my unruly long brown hair. Then, I’d made sure that my makeup was light and fresh, enhancing my heart shaped baby pink lips and deep blue eyes.
‘I can’t believe you actually did it. We’re townies, Paige, not some country bumpkins who say “Ooooh, ahhhh,” after every sentence.’
‘I love that you’re so undiscriminating,’ I laughed, giving her a shoulder bump.
‘Whatever, this guy had better be worth me getting up at this ungodly hour on a Saturday,’ she moaned, flicking her long blonde hair over her shoulders.
‘It’s eleven a.m. Hardly ungodly.’
‘It so is. Bloody young farmers my arse. When have you ever stepped on a farm before today? You’re all about heels and glamour and here you are dressed up like a butcher in wellington boots,’ she scoffed, folding her arms across her ample chest as she shook her head.
‘Not just wellington boots,’ I protested, looking down at my attire. ‘These are Hunters, the crème de la crème of wellingtons. I even got myself a waxed Barbour jacket to look the part. This was a very costly mission.’ I’d spent all of my savings on the two items, in a hope that they’d get me noticed by him.
‘You’ll be wearing a tweed skirt and flat cap next, and going out on a weekend fox hunt,’ she laughed.
‘I’m telling you, when you see him, you’ll totally think it’s worth it.’ I sighed, caught up in a daydream, as I thought of Alec Wright, chairman of Young Farmers. At twenty-one he was four years old than me and, in my eyes, he was the epitome of male perfection. Six foot one, dirty blonde hair that always looked like he’d just got out of bed, blue eyes I could drown in and the most kissable lips I’d ever seen. It was obvious he worked out, and he took so much pride in his appearance. I had some stiff competition for his affections though. Ever since he’d transferred to this club, from another on the other side of town, apparently the female membership had exploded, reaching heights the club had never seen. And it was all down to Alec. Sex God extraordinaire.
‘O, Christ, you’re off on one of your daydreams about him again. Hello, earth to Paige,’ Poppie called, snapping her fingers in front of my face.
‘Sorry,’ I grinned, shutting the boot of my car. ‘Come on then, let’s get this over and done with.’
‘This I have to see,’ she replied, shoving a clipboard and gel pen in my hand. She linked linking arms with mine as we made our way across the field, heading towards the stables of the large farm that hosted the annual summer country show.
I lived on the outskirts of Shrewsbury, in Shropshire, in a tiny hamlet with my parents. I’d met Poppie at boarding school when we were eleven and our friendship had continued when we left the security of our all girls’ education and ventured into a mixed sixth form college in the town centre. It had been an eye opener. I’d fallen for the hustle and bustle of a town immediately, the constant noise of people talking and laughing, street sweepers and refuse collectors, pigeons in the town square, cars hooting as they tried to navigate the one way system. It was such a contrast to the peace and quiet that I’d grown up in. Then there were the shops. I’d seriously found my calling in life. Clothes, makeup and accessories shopping. Not that you’d be able to tell under this damn outfit.
‘I’m nervous,’ I whispered as I approach Ruth, the Vice Chairman, who had some of the other team members gathered around her.
‘I’ll bet,’ chuckled Poppie. ‘I’m going to record this on my phone, so that I can watch it and laugh again and again when I’m feeling blue.’
‘I hate you,’ I scowled.
‘You love me,’ she winked, letting go of me and shoving me in Ruth’s direction.
‘You’re late!’ Ruth snapped, with an irritated glare.
‘Sorry, but it’s not like they have somewhere to be is it?’ I cringed as everyone but Ruth sniggered. She’d had it in for me from the moment I joined the club.
‘Here come the judges. Just remember, even if you don’t know what you’re talking about, sound confident and fake it. The subject in question today is called Daisy. Don’t be afraid to get up close, she’s mostly harmless. Emma Parkinson ended up in hospital with a broken nose and two missing front teeth last year, but I’m sure that was a freak occurrence. Good luck,’ she breezed, shoving me through the stable door. I stumbled and landed face first in the pile of straw on the floor, narrowly missing a very wet and sloppy cow pat. Everyone behind me burst out laughing, Ruth’s witchy cackle the loudest of them all. I hated her with a passion.
‘Paige, are you ok?’ came a deep and very sexy voice. Alec. Great, way to make a good first impression Paige, I scolded myself, pushing up and sitting back on my heels with my back to him. I picked up my clipboard and pen and pretended to scribble on my paper.
‘I’m fine thank you, just checking Daisy’s feet and I’m pleased to report, they’re hoofilicous. Does she have a pedicure? Are there people who do pedicures for farm animals? Because that pedicurist deserves an award for these alone. I wonder what you’d call yourself if you ran that business? Cowabunga, Trottertasic, Moovellous, or maybe …’
‘Did you hit your head?’ he interrupted. ‘You seem to be rambling.’
‘I’m good,’ I replied, trying to stand up without looking at him. I always babbled around him. Nerves got the better of me every single time I was in his presence and I’d babble ten to the dozen, often about rubbish. No way did I want him to see me red faced. He grabbed my elbow and helped me to my feet, then spun me around. I gulped as I looked up into his blue eyes, that twinkled with merriment and felt my legs turning to jelly. He ran his eyes over my face and body, probably checking for damage. He was a good six inches taller than me, which just made him seem all the more masculine. What I wouldn’t give to be wearing a pair of my sexy heels and a pretty dress right now instead of this blinking outfit.
‘You look good, very good in fact,’ he replied, the corners of his lips lifting into a sexy smile that showed off his symmetrical dimples. I blinked a few times. Was he flirting with me? ‘Here, put these protective safety glasses on.’
‘Glasses? You don’t expect me to milk her, do you?’ I looked up at him confused and he shook his head and laughed.
‘Right,’ interrupted an older gentleman, wearing a similar outfit to mine. ‘Are we ready to begin?’
‘Are you ready, Paige?’ Alec asked with a serious tone. I nearly swooned at that simple question. So ready, I wanted to reply, imagining he was here to collect me for a date. I just nodded, knowing my cheeks were colouring up. ‘Good luck, I’ll be watching,’ he whispered. He winked and went to stand outside, locking the lower part of the stable door and placing his elbows on it as Ruth went to stand next to him and did the same. I bristled when I saw her shoulder bump him, laugh and tuck her hair behind her ear. He’s mine, I wanted to shout, but I had as much chance of Daisy talking me through the finer points of her rump than Alec ever asking me out. I put on the ridiculous glasses, sighed and turned around to face my audience of three judges, four if you counted Daisy who was chewing on some hay, watching me with her large brown moist eyes. I had a feeling she was inverting the task, I was actually here for a judging of humans, by her.
‘Right, Miss Taylor, ready when you are,’ nodded the eldest Judge in the group.
As a last minute addition to the young farmers club, the only event left for me to partake in at this year’s show was stock judging. To be honest, I’d been hoping for photography, given it seemed to be Alec’s passion. The extent of my knowledge of cows was the beef aisle in our local supermarket. I’d only been told by Ruth on Thursday night that this was what I was being entered for. Evil … cow. I said a silent apology in my head to Daisy, for tarring her with Ruth’s brush, as I went to stand in front of Daisy and took a deep breath. I cocked my head as I studied her, sucking on the end of my pen in an attempt to look sexily studious.
‘Wrong end, Paige,’ Alec called.
‘I’m supposed to start at her bottom?’ I asked, looking over at him surprised. I’d been up most of the night, cramming on the notes he’d handed to me after Thursday’s meeting, and I was fairly convinced I was supposed to start at her head. Everyone, including the judges tried to hide their laughter.
‘Wrong end of the pen, you have blue ink all over your lips and tongue,’ he indicated with his finger.
‘No, seriously?’ I groaned, reaching up to rub my mouth with my fingers. I coated them in wet ink too, and quickly wiped them on my white jacket, making even more of a mess.
‘Miss Taylor, you’re on a two minute time limit here,’ announced one of the judges, checking his stopwatch. Great, just great. As if being humiliated with my lack of cow knowledge wasn’t bad enough, I was covered in blue ink with Alec and Ruth watching. I saw Poppie give me a thumbs up of encouragement as she, and the rest of the onlookers, peered through the wooden slats covering the two window apertures. I took another deep, hopefully calming breath and turned to face Daisy again. I scribbled some notes, trying to remember the pointers from the cards that Alec had given me and walked down her flank to her rear, writing as much as I could remember about what a nice cow should look like, regardless of whether Daisy fit the dairy cow bill. I made it around to her rear end, giving it a gentle squeeze, ignoring Poppie’s fits of giggles I could hear in the background. I was doing this for Alec, I wanted to make a good impression. ‘Time’s up,’ called the judge. ‘Please give us your verdict.’
‘Thank you,’ I nodded, feeling a sea of nerves swirling in my stomach. My mind had gone blank, I looked down at my notes, but it was like I’d written them in a foreign language. ‘Well, I’m judging Daisy on her suitability to be a dairy cow. She has a very pretty name, very fitting of a dairy cow, a name like Gertrude, Henrietta or Millicent wouldn’t be too far off the mark either. Or maybe a Georgia or Layla. Now a Bob, Gavin or a Bill just wouldn’t do, far too masculine, which brings me to a very crucial point when it comes to dairy cow stock judging … a very crucial point indeed,’ I nodded as I gestured empathically with my leaking pen. I was losing it. Was I seriously taking about cow names? ‘Man cows can’t be milked, they don’t have these squeezable boobs here.’ I pointed to Daisy’s udders, as I almost did a shudder of shame to realise I’d just called them boobs. Think Paige, think, I ordered myself, desperately racking my brains to get back on track. ‘Or udders as they are commonly known in the … cowiverse. That would be the first thing that I’d consider, is this specimen of cow fit for purpose.’
‘Excellent point,’ called Poppie with a clap, trying to give me some encouragement. I saw Ruth rolling her eyes, Alec just grinned as he chewed on the end of a piece of straw. Great, I was making a complete tit of myself. The first task he’d entrusted me with and I was blowing it. If I stood any chance of him seeing me as anything but a silly, pretty little girl, I needed to focus. I looked back down at my notes, thankful they were in English again.
‘She has beautiful bright eyes, with lashes to die for. Mascara companies really ought to check her out for tips. She has a long feminine head and broad nose, a level top line and very shapely neck and shoulders,’ I announced, firmly, some of my confidence returning as I remembered some of my crib card notes. ‘Her udders are long and even with a broad girth giving a great handful to squeeze. They’re a lovely pink colour with a prominent vein. I’d imagine they squirt quite nicely once they’ve been pulled for a while.’ O my God! It sounded like I was talking about penises. I ignored the sniggers that came from my audience, this was serious stuff. I was on a roll now. ‘She has very supple skin, I’m not sure if anyone rubs lotion on her, but if they do, they should keep doing it as she’s soft as a baby’s bottom. Not that I go around touching baby’s bottom’s I might add, I don’t, it’s just that …’
‘Back on point please, Miss Taylor,’ coughed the judge.
‘Daisy has nice dairy triangles, not Laughing Cow cheese triangles you understand, rather the angles of her length and width. She has a very nice broad and meaty arse … shit, sorry, rump, not arse,’ I stammered, looking over at Alec for reassurance. I was making a complete pigs ear of this, or cow’s arse of it rather. He just gave me a lopsided smile and ran a hand through his hair. I stood for a moment staring at him, mesmerised by how attractive he was.
‘The cow’s arse,’ called Poppie, rousing me from my daze.
‘Sorry, yes, a very nice ar … rump. In conclusion, I’d say that Daisy was a very fine specimen of dairy cow indeed. I’d have no hesitation in recommending her to anyone that likes milk, or products of a milk persuasion. Best to be avoided by anyone with a lactose intolerance, a fake disclaimer is no one’s friend.’ I clutched my clipboard to my chest, wanting to die of embarrassment. Seconds later there was the swoosh of a tail across my face and the loudest fart I’d ever heard in my life as Daisy had a bottom explosion, showering me from head to toe in hot, wet, greenish-brown and udderly stinky prize dairy cow poo.
‘Holy shit,’ screeched Poppie, unable to contain her laughter, everyone else seemingly joining in as I stood there mortified, dripping in it. The fact that luckily my mouth had been closed and my eyes were covered in protective glasses, was little consolation. So much for a good impression.
I stood in the middle of the yard, fully clothed with my new cow shit accessories, crowds of onlookers gathering to watch, as I was hosed down with freezing cold water by a far too gleeful Ruth. Poppie just grimaced at me as I stood there shivering and dripping when Ruth was finally done.
‘Come with me,’ Alec ordered, offering me his hand as he appeared at my side with a bundle of stuff cradled in his one arm.
‘I’m wet and shitty,’ I whispered, beyond embarrassed. ‘I look and smell awful.’
‘I’ve seen and smelled worse over the years. Daisy’s known for being a bit of a blaster, you’re lucky she’d been on a pre-show diet or you’d have been covered in a hell of a lot more. I’m surprised Ruth didn’t warn you. Come on,’ he repeated, grabbing my wet hand. Ruth gave me another of her glares, while Poppie gave me a wink and put a hand to her brow, faking a swoon. I knew she’d understand once she saw him. No one could fail to find him attractive. I could feel my cheeks going red as Alec tugged me back towards Daisy’s stall, but all I could think about what that he was holding my hand. I couldn’t stop the inane grin from spreading across my face. It felt so natural, like mine had been made to fit his. Now if only he’d part my fingers with his own, then weave them between, shit shower aside, it would be the best day ever. He led me back into the stall and pushed the lower and upper door to, giving us some privacy. ‘Here, get undressed and put these on,’ he offered, letting go of my hand. ‘It’s just a pair of my gym track pants that I was going to wear later and my gym towel for you to dry your hair with.’
‘That’s really kind,’ I whispered, head down, too embarrassed to look at him. He tucked his fingers under my chin and forced me to look up at him. He took the corner of the grey towel and gently swept it over my cheeks and under my eyes, probably removing the remains of my streaked mascara and eyeliner away, as he held my gaze. I wanted to look away, to break the intensity of it, but I couldn’t. I could stare into those gorgeous blue pools forever. My heart skipped a few beats as he smiled down at me. Kiss me, my subconscious was screaming. I had it so bad for this boy. I’d never been interested in them before, until one of the girls at boarding school showed me some pictures of the young farmers group she was in and I spotted him. It hadn’t taken much persuasion for me to enrol immediately.
‘There, that’s better. You’re even prettier without all of that black. Your eyes stand out even more now.’ This time I knew I blushed. Alec Wright thought I was pretty.
‘I don’t … I don’t have a clean top,’ I stuttered. He set the towel on a clean bale of straw, his track pants on top then started unbuttoning his shirt. ‘What … what are you doing?’
‘I’m wearing a t-shirt under here, if you don’t mind that it’s been worn, it’s yours until I next see you. Hurry up and get out of those wet clothes, you’ll catch a cold,’ he ordered.
‘Turn around then,’ I asked, embarrassed for him to see me in my underwear. First off I was in virginal white, so not sexy like black, red or hot pink. He looked like he was experienced and experienced men would want sexy. Secondly, I wasn’t your classic girl from the magazines. I had breasts and hips, a backside and small waist. Mum always compared my figure to Marilyn Monroe’s, which would have been fine if I’d been born in that era, not now, when everyone was under pressure to be thin.
‘Honestly, Paige, it’s no different to me seeing you at the swimming pool in a bikini and I’ve seen you there plenty of times,’ he retorted, tossing his shirt onto the bale. My mouth opened and closed, nothing coming out. He’d seen me at the swimming pool? Why had I never seen him? There’s no way I’d have missed him, let alone in a small pair of swimming trunks, dripping wet and … ‘Unless you’re completely commando under there,’ he added with a grin, right before he ripped his t-shirt over his head.
I went into complete overload. I nearly fainted at his feet, I was even sure I drooled as I stared. My eyes were on stalks as I took in his buffed body. However good he looked dressed, was nothing to his bare torso. Ryan Gosling move over! I quickly turned around and started unbuttoning my soaked white jacket. I peeled it off, then bent over to pull off my Hunter boots, tipping the water out from inside them as I tried to memorise how good his abs looked.
‘I’m sure I’ve never seen you at the pool,’ I said, desperate for something to break the tension I was feeling to have him standing so close to me, and half naked.
‘Not really a swimmer, my best friend Si is a lifeguard there. I meet him for coffee from time to time. More often since he told me that there was a blue eyed, brunette stunner coming every Wednesday night who had curves to die for. I had to check her out and see if she was for real.’
‘O, right,’ I replied, my shoulders slumping at the thought he was ogling other women. I undid my jeans that were already tight, before they were soaked through and started to shimmy them off. ‘Was she for real?’
‘Most definitely, I can see why he’s got it bad for her.’
‘Could see,’ I corrected. ‘Can see is present tense.’
‘I meant can see, present tense. Your backside in those white knickers looks ever more sexy than in those blue bikini ones,’ he chuckled. I gasped and turned around, forgetting my jeans were around my ankles. I screamed as I felt myself falling and before I knew what was happening, I was grabbing the waist band of his jeans to steady myself, forcing him to topple too, and we both landed in a heap on the straw. He burst out laughing as he lay on top of me, my hands trapped between our partially clothed bodies, my chest heaving.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I apologised. I wasn’t sure where to look. His lips were so close to mine that I could feel the heat of his breath on them. His firm pecs and abs were pressed against my body and the sight of his toned, large biceps was intoxicating. I felt light headed and giddy, but again I couldn’t look away as he gazed down at me. It sounded twee in my head, but it was like I could feel an inexplicable connection to him.
‘Paige,’ he whispered, gruffly.
‘Yes?’ I replied, breathlessly. Was he going to kiss me? My heart and my breathing stopped, suspended in time as my lips pouted, ready for him.
‘What the hell is going on!’ I grimaced, my whole body sagging with defeat as I heard Ruth’s voice.
‘Just giving Paige my t-shirt as she didn’t have a top, I tripped and landed on her,’ Alec replied. He flashed me an apologetic look as he shot off me and grabbed his shirt, leaving me in my underwear, with my jeans still around my feet.
‘Right,’ Ruth bit, her eyes narrowing as she looked down at me. ‘If this is how she behaves, trying to steal other women’s boyfriends, then I’m banning you from spending any time alone with her.’
‘Girlfriend?’ I uttered, not only heartbroken, but devastated. He was seeing her? I’d have been pretty naïve to think a guy as hot as him wouldn’t have a girlfriend, but Ruth? She wasn’t good enough for him.
‘Since we were teenagers, so whatever ideas you have of tempting him away, dream on Paige. Do you know how many girls join our club hoping to snare him? Not one of them have, so I’d suggest if that’s the only reason you joined, quit now, because you’ll never be able to compete with me.’
‘Ruth, that’s enough,’ Alec snapped, quickly doing up his white shirt, while I lay there, not sure how to get up gracefully given my feet were still anchored by my wet jeans. I didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of either of them anymore than I had today. ‘It was nothing, an accident. Besides, Paige isn’t like those other girls that only joined looking for a boyfriend. She’s got more about her. I’ll wait outside and make sure no one comes in,’ he added, flashing me an apologetic look. I gave him a smile and a wave, before wrapping one arm over my chest and covering, my possibly see through, white knickers with my other hand. Could this day get any worse? On top of it all, I was exactly the kind of girl to moon over a hot guy. He didn’t know me at all. He dragged Ruth out, not before she tossed a smug look at me over her shoulder. I covered my eyes with my hands and sighed.
‘O.M.G! What happened?’ came Poppie’s voice. I squinted through my fingers to see her standing with her hands on her hips looking down at me. Daisy was just chewing away on her hay in the corner, totally non-plussed by all of the action in her stall today. I filled Poppie in as I tugged my jeans over my ankles and pulled off my wet socks, rubbing myself down with Alec’s towel. ‘He’s seeing her?’ she gasped. ‘Ok, shouldn’t be judgemental, only just met them both, but seriously?! Chalk and cheese. He’s hot and she’s … not. Talk about the cow’s arse, she has a face like a slapped one!’
‘Stop it,’ I giggled, undoing my pony tail and squeezing my hair to let the towel take away most of the moisture.
‘Come on, she has. So, he’s been checking you out at the pool? I’d say his time with her is limited. He’s into you, big time.’
‘He’s not.’ I rolled my eyes as I picked up his t-shirt and pulled it over my head. It was still warm and smelled of … Alec. I felt my stomach flutter as I breathed him in and reminded myself that this material had been touching his naked body.
‘So is, I saw him when you turned into a blithering idiot talking about Daisy. He couldn’t take his eyes off you and he didn’t laugh when Daisy painted you brown, and let me tell you that was quite some feat. It was seriously funny, if you weren’t … well, you. He looked mortified for you. Paige and Alec sitting in a tree, k.i.s.s.i.n.g,’ she sang, swinging her hips in time to the beat.
‘Shut up!’ I laughed. ‘He’s taken. I’ll just have to make do with admiring him from afar.’ I stood up and grabbed his running bottoms and pulled them on. I had to roll them at the waist to shorten them and leave them sitting on my hips, then turn up the bottoms to slip on my wet boots again. ‘Let’s go home. I’ve had enough humiliation for one day.’
‘No way, you dragged me out of bed this morning with no designer shops in sight, so we’re going to make the most of it. We’re going to look around this countrified show and scoff some beef burgers, sorry Daisy, no offence intended, have an ice cream and see whether the country has any other stock worth investing in, the sort with a rump like Alec’s,’ she winked. I shook my head as I combed my fingers through my hair.
We dropped off my wet clothes in the back of my rusting old VW Polo and I groaned as I saw the state of me in the wing mirror. No makeup, my hair couldn’t be less straight and I was wearing a baggy white t-shirt and oversized grey bottoms.
‘Please, I can’t go out looking like this,’ I pleaded.
‘Paige, you’re the most gorgeous girl I’ve ever seen and I’m not even into girls. You look stunning with or without makeup, whatever way you do your hair and no clothes can disguise a sexy figure like that. Own it, embrace countryside chic. They don’t get that ruddy cheeked look by using makeup with SPF in, do they?’
I gave in and we headed off towards the crowds and the main arena, Poppie laughing her head off as my feet squelching in my boots sounded like someone farting every time I took a step. We ended up having fun, checking out some of the local arts and crafts, sampling produce and having a few rides at the small fun fair. Poppie ushered me towards the fenced off arena when they announced the stock judging results were about to be awarded.
‘Like I’ll win after that disaster,’ I laughed, shaking my head. I nearly fell over again, Poppie screaming with delight, when my name was announced as the winner of the dairy cow judging. I boot farted my way onto the stage, repeatedly telling everyone it was actually my boots and not me, probably making matters worse. I shook the judges’ hands and did my best attempt at a blue inked stained smile as a picture was taken of me receiving my certificate and rosette, with Poppie’s whooping drowning out most of the uninterested, polite claps that were happening. I was just getting in the way of the tractor dancing event, which apparently was the highlight of the show. Other than Alec Wright. I headed off the stage and was shown to the exit in the fencing, groaning to see Alec and Ruth standing there.
‘Congratulations, first event and a win,’ Alec beamed.
‘Thank you, I’m quite shocked all things considered. Thanks for the loan of the clothes and towel, I’ll bring them to the next meeting if that’s ok?’
‘I could come to yours to pick them up,’ he suggested, then winced as Ruth elbowed him in the ribs. ‘On second thoughts, the meeting would be great.’
‘Ok, thanks. I’d better get going. My underwear is soaked. I mean … you know, because of the water, not because we had a roll in the hay, which we totally didn’t … I’m going now and it’s the boots farting, not me,’ I garbled, quickly squeezing past them.
‘Congratulations, again,’ Alec called with a chuckle.
‘Hardly an achievement when she was the only competitor. No one ever wants to judge Daisy given her reputation,’ Ruth scoffed. I stalled in my tracks, clutching my precious rosette and certificate to my chest. I’d had less than a minute to bask in the relative glory of my win. As if I hadn’t been humiliated enough today as it was, I’d only won by default?
‘Ruth, there was no need to tell her that,’ I heard Alec bite. I felt some tears roll down my cheeks as I imagined the smug look on her face. I dumped my winnings in the nearest rubbish container and ran past a surprised Poppie, all the way back to my car.
I threw myself into the driver’s seat and cried properly. No wonder I was single. I was a walking disaster. Rubbish at everything.
‘Paige,’ sighed Poppie when she found me.
‘I’m so stupid. Look what a fool I made of myself.’
‘You didn’t, you stayed dignified throughout. No shit,’ she winked. I giggled and wiped my eyes.
‘I deserve a cow pat on the back don’t I?’ I sniffed.
‘Pull the udder one, now mooove it,’ she teased, dragging me out and giving me a tight squeeze.
‘Did I look at complete teet?’
‘No bull, I’m not going to lie, it was hilarious. I’m going to milk it forever,’ she laughed, continuing our cow themed banter. ‘At least this Alec situation is all out in the open. It’s Fresian now.’
‘Fresian?’
‘Black and White, a Fresian cow.’
‘I thought they were Hereford’s,’ I frowned, pulling back to look at her.
‘Whatever, cowtato, cowtarto, point is you know he’s unavailable now. Time to move on.’
‘I guess,’ I sighed, not sure I’d ever get over him. ‘I’ll have to go on Thursday to give him his clothes back.’
‘Fine, but then you’re quitting. You want to join a townies club, let’s go wine-tasting or something,’ she suggested with a smile.
‘We’re underage, for a few more months at least,’ I reminded her. She sighed with a shake of her head.
‘I can’t wait until we’re legal and I can ditch this fake ID.’
‘You’re a nightmare, Poppie,’ I laughed. ‘Thanks for cheering me up, come on, let’s go home. I need to try and get this ink of my face and lips. I’ve had enough crap today to last me a lifetime!’
‘I’ve had another great idea for mixing with fit, toned guys when we start the new term,’ she stated confidently.
‘Why do I have a feeling that I may live to regret it?’ I grinned, sliding into the drivers seat, taking a non-so subtle inhalation of Alec’s t-shirt before Poppie jumped in and slammed the door. She rolled her eyes when she caught me.
‘He was hot,’ she confirmed as I started the car.
‘Tell me about it,’ I sighed.
The Cow's Arse
‘Poppie, you’d tell me if I was about to make a fool out of myself, wouldn’t you?’ I asked my best friend, biting my lower lip nervously as I waited for her answer.
‘Please,’ she muttered, with a roll of her glossy chocolate eyes as she buttoned up my stark white long coverall. She stepped back to cast an appraising eye over my new look and giggled. ‘You look quite the part.’
‘O shut up,’ I giggled in response, reaching up to smooth my ponytail and check for any stray hairs. I’d taken extra care this morning, using my hair straighteners to ease out all of the natural waves in my unruly long brown hair. Then, I’d made sure that my makeup was light and fresh, enhancing my heart shaped baby pink lips and deep blue eyes.
‘I can’t believe you actually did it. We’re townies, Paige, not some country bumpkins who say “Ooooh, ahhhh,” after every sentence.’
‘I love that you’re so undiscriminating,’ I laughed, giving her a shoulder bump.
‘Whatever, this guy had better be worth me getting up at this ungodly hour on a Saturday,’ she moaned, flicking her long blonde hair over her shoulders.
‘It’s eleven a.m. Hardly ungodly.’
‘It so is. Bloody young farmers my arse. When have you ever stepped on a farm before today? You’re all about heels and glamour and here you are dressed up like a butcher in wellington boots,’ she scoffed, folding her arms across her ample chest as she shook her head.
‘Not just wellington boots,’ I protested, looking down at my attire. ‘These are Hunters, the crème de la crème of wellingtons. I even got myself a waxed Barbour jacket to look the part. This was a very costly mission.’ I’d spent all of my savings on the two items, in a hope that they’d get me noticed by him.
‘You’ll be wearing a tweed skirt and flat cap next, and going out on a weekend fox hunt,’ she laughed.
‘I’m telling you, when you see him, you’ll totally think it’s worth it.’ I sighed, caught up in a daydream, as I thought of Alec Wright, chairman of Young Farmers. At twenty-one he was four years old than me and, in my eyes, he was the epitome of male perfection. Six foot one, dirty blonde hair that always looked like he’d just got out of bed, blue eyes I could drown in and the most kissable lips I’d ever seen. It was obvious he worked out, and he took so much pride in his appearance. I had some stiff competition for his affections though. Ever since he’d transferred to this club, from another on the other side of town, apparently the female membership had exploded, reaching heights the club had never seen. And it was all down to Alec. Sex God extraordinaire.
‘O, Christ, you’re off on one of your daydreams about him again. Hello, earth to Paige,’ Poppie called, snapping her fingers in front of my face.
‘Sorry,’ I grinned, shutting the boot of my car. ‘Come on then, let’s get this over and done with.’
‘This I have to see,’ she replied, shoving a clipboard and gel pen in my hand. She linked linking arms with mine as we made our way across the field, heading towards the stables of the large farm that hosted the annual summer country show.
I lived on the outskirts of Shrewsbury, in Shropshire, in a tiny hamlet with my parents. I’d met Poppie at boarding school when we were eleven and our friendship had continued when we left the security of our all girls’ education and ventured into a mixed sixth form college in the town centre. It had been an eye opener. I’d fallen for the hustle and bustle of a town immediately, the constant noise of people talking and laughing, street sweepers and refuse collectors, pigeons in the town square, cars hooting as they tried to navigate the one way system. It was such a contrast to the peace and quiet that I’d grown up in. Then there were the shops. I’d seriously found my calling in life. Clothes, makeup and accessories shopping. Not that you’d be able to tell under this damn outfit.
‘I’m nervous,’ I whispered as I approach Ruth, the Vice Chairman, who had some of the other team members gathered around her.
‘I’ll bet,’ chuckled Poppie. ‘I’m going to record this on my phone, so that I can watch it and laugh again and again when I’m feeling blue.’
‘I hate you,’ I scowled.
‘You love me,’ she winked, letting go of me and shoving me in Ruth’s direction.
‘You’re late!’ Ruth snapped, with an irritated glare.
‘Sorry, but it’s not like they have somewhere to be is it?’ I cringed as everyone but Ruth sniggered. She’d had it in for me from the moment I joined the club.
‘Here come the judges. Just remember, even if you don’t know what you’re talking about, sound confident and fake it. The subject in question today is called Daisy. Don’t be afraid to get up close, she’s mostly harmless. Emma Parkinson ended up in hospital with a broken nose and two missing front teeth last year, but I’m sure that was a freak occurrence. Good luck,’ she breezed, shoving me through the stable door. I stumbled and landed face first in the pile of straw on the floor, narrowly missing a very wet and sloppy cow pat. Everyone behind me burst out laughing, Ruth’s witchy cackle the loudest of them all. I hated her with a passion.
‘Paige, are you ok?’ came a deep and very sexy voice. Alec. Great, way to make a good first impression Paige, I scolded myself, pushing up and sitting back on my heels with my back to him. I picked up my clipboard and pen and pretended to scribble on my paper.
‘I’m fine thank you, just checking Daisy’s feet and I’m pleased to report, they’re hoofilicous. Does she have a pedicure? Are there people who do pedicures for farm animals? Because that pedicurist deserves an award for these alone. I wonder what you’d call yourself if you ran that business? Cowabunga, Trottertasic, Moovellous, or maybe …’
‘Did you hit your head?’ he interrupted. ‘You seem to be rambling.’
‘I’m good,’ I replied, trying to stand up without looking at him. I always babbled around him. Nerves got the better of me every single time I was in his presence and I’d babble ten to the dozen, often about rubbish. No way did I want him to see me red faced. He grabbed my elbow and helped me to my feet, then spun me around. I gulped as I looked up into his blue eyes, that twinkled with merriment and felt my legs turning to jelly. He ran his eyes over my face and body, probably checking for damage. He was a good six inches taller than me, which just made him seem all the more masculine. What I wouldn’t give to be wearing a pair of my sexy heels and a pretty dress right now instead of this blinking outfit.
‘You look good, very good in fact,’ he replied, the corners of his lips lifting into a sexy smile that showed off his symmetrical dimples. I blinked a few times. Was he flirting with me? ‘Here, put these protective safety glasses on.’
‘Glasses? You don’t expect me to milk her, do you?’ I looked up at him confused and he shook his head and laughed.
‘Right,’ interrupted an older gentleman, wearing a similar outfit to mine. ‘Are we ready to begin?’
‘Are you ready, Paige?’ Alec asked with a serious tone. I nearly swooned at that simple question. So ready, I wanted to reply, imagining he was here to collect me for a date. I just nodded, knowing my cheeks were colouring up. ‘Good luck, I’ll be watching,’ he whispered. He winked and went to stand outside, locking the lower part of the stable door and placing his elbows on it as Ruth went to stand next to him and did the same. I bristled when I saw her shoulder bump him, laugh and tuck her hair behind her ear. He’s mine, I wanted to shout, but I had as much chance of Daisy talking me through the finer points of her rump than Alec ever asking me out. I put on the ridiculous glasses, sighed and turned around to face my audience of three judges, four if you counted Daisy who was chewing on some hay, watching me with her large brown moist eyes. I had a feeling she was inverting the task, I was actually here for a judging of humans, by her.
‘Right, Miss Taylor, ready when you are,’ nodded the eldest Judge in the group.
As a last minute addition to the young farmers club, the only event left for me to partake in at this year’s show was stock judging. To be honest, I’d been hoping for photography, given it seemed to be Alec’s passion. The extent of my knowledge of cows was the beef aisle in our local supermarket. I’d only been told by Ruth on Thursday night that this was what I was being entered for. Evil … cow. I said a silent apology in my head to Daisy, for tarring her with Ruth’s brush, as I went to stand in front of Daisy and took a deep breath. I cocked my head as I studied her, sucking on the end of my pen in an attempt to look sexily studious.
‘Wrong end, Paige,’ Alec called.
‘I’m supposed to start at her bottom?’ I asked, looking over at him surprised. I’d been up most of the night, cramming on the notes he’d handed to me after Thursday’s meeting, and I was fairly convinced I was supposed to start at her head. Everyone, including the judges tried to hide their laughter.
‘Wrong end of the pen, you have blue ink all over your lips and tongue,’ he indicated with his finger.
‘No, seriously?’ I groaned, reaching up to rub my mouth with my fingers. I coated them in wet ink too, and quickly wiped them on my white jacket, making even more of a mess.
‘Miss Taylor, you’re on a two minute time limit here,’ announced one of the judges, checking his stopwatch. Great, just great. As if being humiliated with my lack of cow knowledge wasn’t bad enough, I was covered in blue ink with Alec and Ruth watching. I saw Poppie give me a thumbs up of encouragement as she, and the rest of the onlookers, peered through the wooden slats covering the two window apertures. I took another deep, hopefully calming breath and turned to face Daisy again. I scribbled some notes, trying to remember the pointers from the cards that Alec had given me and walked down her flank to her rear, writing as much as I could remember about what a nice cow should look like, regardless of whether Daisy fit the dairy cow bill. I made it around to her rear end, giving it a gentle squeeze, ignoring Poppie’s fits of giggles I could hear in the background. I was doing this for Alec, I wanted to make a good impression. ‘Time’s up,’ called the judge. ‘Please give us your verdict.’
‘Thank you,’ I nodded, feeling a sea of nerves swirling in my stomach. My mind had gone blank, I looked down at my notes, but it was like I’d written them in a foreign language. ‘Well, I’m judging Daisy on her suitability to be a dairy cow. She has a very pretty name, very fitting of a dairy cow, a name like Gertrude, Henrietta or Millicent wouldn’t be too far off the mark either. Or maybe a Georgia or Layla. Now a Bob, Gavin or a Bill just wouldn’t do, far too masculine, which brings me to a very crucial point when it comes to dairy cow stock judging … a very crucial point indeed,’ I nodded as I gestured empathically with my leaking pen. I was losing it. Was I seriously taking about cow names? ‘Man cows can’t be milked, they don’t have these squeezable boobs here.’ I pointed to Daisy’s udders, as I almost did a shudder of shame to realise I’d just called them boobs. Think Paige, think, I ordered myself, desperately racking my brains to get back on track. ‘Or udders as they are commonly known in the … cowiverse. That would be the first thing that I’d consider, is this specimen of cow fit for purpose.’
‘Excellent point,’ called Poppie with a clap, trying to give me some encouragement. I saw Ruth rolling her eyes, Alec just grinned as he chewed on the end of a piece of straw. Great, I was making a complete tit of myself. The first task he’d entrusted me with and I was blowing it. If I stood any chance of him seeing me as anything but a silly, pretty little girl, I needed to focus. I looked back down at my notes, thankful they were in English again.
‘She has beautiful bright eyes, with lashes to die for. Mascara companies really ought to check her out for tips. She has a long feminine head and broad nose, a level top line and very shapely neck and shoulders,’ I announced, firmly, some of my confidence returning as I remembered some of my crib card notes. ‘Her udders are long and even with a broad girth giving a great handful to squeeze. They’re a lovely pink colour with a prominent vein. I’d imagine they squirt quite nicely once they’ve been pulled for a while.’ O my God! It sounded like I was talking about penises. I ignored the sniggers that came from my audience, this was serious stuff. I was on a roll now. ‘She has very supple skin, I’m not sure if anyone rubs lotion on her, but if they do, they should keep doing it as she’s soft as a baby’s bottom. Not that I go around touching baby’s bottom’s I might add, I don’t, it’s just that …’
‘Back on point please, Miss Taylor,’ coughed the judge.
‘Daisy has nice dairy triangles, not Laughing Cow cheese triangles you understand, rather the angles of her length and width. She has a very nice broad and meaty arse … shit, sorry, rump, not arse,’ I stammered, looking over at Alec for reassurance. I was making a complete pigs ear of this, or cow’s arse of it rather. He just gave me a lopsided smile and ran a hand through his hair. I stood for a moment staring at him, mesmerised by how attractive he was.
‘The cow’s arse,’ called Poppie, rousing me from my daze.
‘Sorry, yes, a very nice ar … rump. In conclusion, I’d say that Daisy was a very fine specimen of dairy cow indeed. I’d have no hesitation in recommending her to anyone that likes milk, or products of a milk persuasion. Best to be avoided by anyone with a lactose intolerance, a fake disclaimer is no one’s friend.’ I clutched my clipboard to my chest, wanting to die of embarrassment. Seconds later there was the swoosh of a tail across my face and the loudest fart I’d ever heard in my life as Daisy had a bottom explosion, showering me from head to toe in hot, wet, greenish-brown and udderly stinky prize dairy cow poo.
‘Holy shit,’ screeched Poppie, unable to contain her laughter, everyone else seemingly joining in as I stood there mortified, dripping in it. The fact that luckily my mouth had been closed and my eyes were covered in protective glasses, was little consolation. So much for a good impression.
I stood in the middle of the yard, fully clothed with my new cow shit accessories, crowds of onlookers gathering to watch, as I was hosed down with freezing cold water by a far too gleeful Ruth. Poppie just grimaced at me as I stood there shivering and dripping when Ruth was finally done.
‘Come with me,’ Alec ordered, offering me his hand as he appeared at my side with a bundle of stuff cradled in his one arm.
‘I’m wet and shitty,’ I whispered, beyond embarrassed. ‘I look and smell awful.’
‘I’ve seen and smelled worse over the years. Daisy’s known for being a bit of a blaster, you’re lucky she’d been on a pre-show diet or you’d have been covered in a hell of a lot more. I’m surprised Ruth didn’t warn you. Come on,’ he repeated, grabbing my wet hand. Ruth gave me another of her glares, while Poppie gave me a wink and put a hand to her brow, faking a swoon. I knew she’d understand once she saw him. No one could fail to find him attractive. I could feel my cheeks going red as Alec tugged me back towards Daisy’s stall, but all I could think about what that he was holding my hand. I couldn’t stop the inane grin from spreading across my face. It felt so natural, like mine had been made to fit his. Now if only he’d part my fingers with his own, then weave them between, shit shower aside, it would be the best day ever. He led me back into the stall and pushed the lower and upper door to, giving us some privacy. ‘Here, get undressed and put these on,’ he offered, letting go of my hand. ‘It’s just a pair of my gym track pants that I was going to wear later and my gym towel for you to dry your hair with.’
‘That’s really kind,’ I whispered, head down, too embarrassed to look at him. He tucked his fingers under my chin and forced me to look up at him. He took the corner of the grey towel and gently swept it over my cheeks and under my eyes, probably removing the remains of my streaked mascara and eyeliner away, as he held my gaze. I wanted to look away, to break the intensity of it, but I couldn’t. I could stare into those gorgeous blue pools forever. My heart skipped a few beats as he smiled down at me. Kiss me, my subconscious was screaming. I had it so bad for this boy. I’d never been interested in them before, until one of the girls at boarding school showed me some pictures of the young farmers group she was in and I spotted him. It hadn’t taken much persuasion for me to enrol immediately.
‘There, that’s better. You’re even prettier without all of that black. Your eyes stand out even more now.’ This time I knew I blushed. Alec Wright thought I was pretty.
‘I don’t … I don’t have a clean top,’ I stuttered. He set the towel on a clean bale of straw, his track pants on top then started unbuttoning his shirt. ‘What … what are you doing?’
‘I’m wearing a t-shirt under here, if you don’t mind that it’s been worn, it’s yours until I next see you. Hurry up and get out of those wet clothes, you’ll catch a cold,’ he ordered.
‘Turn around then,’ I asked, embarrassed for him to see me in my underwear. First off I was in virginal white, so not sexy like black, red or hot pink. He looked like he was experienced and experienced men would want sexy. Secondly, I wasn’t your classic girl from the magazines. I had breasts and hips, a backside and small waist. Mum always compared my figure to Marilyn Monroe’s, which would have been fine if I’d been born in that era, not now, when everyone was under pressure to be thin.
‘Honestly, Paige, it’s no different to me seeing you at the swimming pool in a bikini and I’ve seen you there plenty of times,’ he retorted, tossing his shirt onto the bale. My mouth opened and closed, nothing coming out. He’d seen me at the swimming pool? Why had I never seen him? There’s no way I’d have missed him, let alone in a small pair of swimming trunks, dripping wet and … ‘Unless you’re completely commando under there,’ he added with a grin, right before he ripped his t-shirt over his head.
I went into complete overload. I nearly fainted at his feet, I was even sure I drooled as I stared. My eyes were on stalks as I took in his buffed body. However good he looked dressed, was nothing to his bare torso. Ryan Gosling move over! I quickly turned around and started unbuttoning my soaked white jacket. I peeled it off, then bent over to pull off my Hunter boots, tipping the water out from inside them as I tried to memorise how good his abs looked.
‘I’m sure I’ve never seen you at the pool,’ I said, desperate for something to break the tension I was feeling to have him standing so close to me, and half naked.
‘Not really a swimmer, my best friend Si is a lifeguard there. I meet him for coffee from time to time. More often since he told me that there was a blue eyed, brunette stunner coming every Wednesday night who had curves to die for. I had to check her out and see if she was for real.’
‘O, right,’ I replied, my shoulders slumping at the thought he was ogling other women. I undid my jeans that were already tight, before they were soaked through and started to shimmy them off. ‘Was she for real?’
‘Most definitely, I can see why he’s got it bad for her.’
‘Could see,’ I corrected. ‘Can see is present tense.’
‘I meant can see, present tense. Your backside in those white knickers looks ever more sexy than in those blue bikini ones,’ he chuckled. I gasped and turned around, forgetting my jeans were around my ankles. I screamed as I felt myself falling and before I knew what was happening, I was grabbing the waist band of his jeans to steady myself, forcing him to topple too, and we both landed in a heap on the straw. He burst out laughing as he lay on top of me, my hands trapped between our partially clothed bodies, my chest heaving.
‘I’m so sorry,’ I apologised. I wasn’t sure where to look. His lips were so close to mine that I could feel the heat of his breath on them. His firm pecs and abs were pressed against my body and the sight of his toned, large biceps was intoxicating. I felt light headed and giddy, but again I couldn’t look away as he gazed down at me. It sounded twee in my head, but it was like I could feel an inexplicable connection to him.
‘Paige,’ he whispered, gruffly.
‘Yes?’ I replied, breathlessly. Was he going to kiss me? My heart and my breathing stopped, suspended in time as my lips pouted, ready for him.
‘What the hell is going on!’ I grimaced, my whole body sagging with defeat as I heard Ruth’s voice.
‘Just giving Paige my t-shirt as she didn’t have a top, I tripped and landed on her,’ Alec replied. He flashed me an apologetic look as he shot off me and grabbed his shirt, leaving me in my underwear, with my jeans still around my feet.
‘Right,’ Ruth bit, her eyes narrowing as she looked down at me. ‘If this is how she behaves, trying to steal other women’s boyfriends, then I’m banning you from spending any time alone with her.’
‘Girlfriend?’ I uttered, not only heartbroken, but devastated. He was seeing her? I’d have been pretty naïve to think a guy as hot as him wouldn’t have a girlfriend, but Ruth? She wasn’t good enough for him.
‘Since we were teenagers, so whatever ideas you have of tempting him away, dream on Paige. Do you know how many girls join our club hoping to snare him? Not one of them have, so I’d suggest if that’s the only reason you joined, quit now, because you’ll never be able to compete with me.’
‘Ruth, that’s enough,’ Alec snapped, quickly doing up his white shirt, while I lay there, not sure how to get up gracefully given my feet were still anchored by my wet jeans. I didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of either of them anymore than I had today. ‘It was nothing, an accident. Besides, Paige isn’t like those other girls that only joined looking for a boyfriend. She’s got more about her. I’ll wait outside and make sure no one comes in,’ he added, flashing me an apologetic look. I gave him a smile and a wave, before wrapping one arm over my chest and covering, my possibly see through, white knickers with my other hand. Could this day get any worse? On top of it all, I was exactly the kind of girl to moon over a hot guy. He didn’t know me at all. He dragged Ruth out, not before she tossed a smug look at me over her shoulder. I covered my eyes with my hands and sighed.
‘O.M.G! What happened?’ came Poppie’s voice. I squinted through my fingers to see her standing with her hands on her hips looking down at me. Daisy was just chewing away on her hay in the corner, totally non-plussed by all of the action in her stall today. I filled Poppie in as I tugged my jeans over my ankles and pulled off my wet socks, rubbing myself down with Alec’s towel. ‘He’s seeing her?’ she gasped. ‘Ok, shouldn’t be judgemental, only just met them both, but seriously?! Chalk and cheese. He’s hot and she’s … not. Talk about the cow’s arse, she has a face like a slapped one!’
‘Stop it,’ I giggled, undoing my pony tail and squeezing my hair to let the towel take away most of the moisture.
‘Come on, she has. So, he’s been checking you out at the pool? I’d say his time with her is limited. He’s into you, big time.’
‘He’s not.’ I rolled my eyes as I picked up his t-shirt and pulled it over my head. It was still warm and smelled of … Alec. I felt my stomach flutter as I breathed him in and reminded myself that this material had been touching his naked body.
‘So is, I saw him when you turned into a blithering idiot talking about Daisy. He couldn’t take his eyes off you and he didn’t laugh when Daisy painted you brown, and let me tell you that was quite some feat. It was seriously funny, if you weren’t … well, you. He looked mortified for you. Paige and Alec sitting in a tree, k.i.s.s.i.n.g,’ she sang, swinging her hips in time to the beat.
‘Shut up!’ I laughed. ‘He’s taken. I’ll just have to make do with admiring him from afar.’ I stood up and grabbed his running bottoms and pulled them on. I had to roll them at the waist to shorten them and leave them sitting on my hips, then turn up the bottoms to slip on my wet boots again. ‘Let’s go home. I’ve had enough humiliation for one day.’
‘No way, you dragged me out of bed this morning with no designer shops in sight, so we’re going to make the most of it. We’re going to look around this countrified show and scoff some beef burgers, sorry Daisy, no offence intended, have an ice cream and see whether the country has any other stock worth investing in, the sort with a rump like Alec’s,’ she winked. I shook my head as I combed my fingers through my hair.
We dropped off my wet clothes in the back of my rusting old VW Polo and I groaned as I saw the state of me in the wing mirror. No makeup, my hair couldn’t be less straight and I was wearing a baggy white t-shirt and oversized grey bottoms.
‘Please, I can’t go out looking like this,’ I pleaded.
‘Paige, you’re the most gorgeous girl I’ve ever seen and I’m not even into girls. You look stunning with or without makeup, whatever way you do your hair and no clothes can disguise a sexy figure like that. Own it, embrace countryside chic. They don’t get that ruddy cheeked look by using makeup with SPF in, do they?’
I gave in and we headed off towards the crowds and the main arena, Poppie laughing her head off as my feet squelching in my boots sounded like someone farting every time I took a step. We ended up having fun, checking out some of the local arts and crafts, sampling produce and having a few rides at the small fun fair. Poppie ushered me towards the fenced off arena when they announced the stock judging results were about to be awarded.
‘Like I’ll win after that disaster,’ I laughed, shaking my head. I nearly fell over again, Poppie screaming with delight, when my name was announced as the winner of the dairy cow judging. I boot farted my way onto the stage, repeatedly telling everyone it was actually my boots and not me, probably making matters worse. I shook the judges’ hands and did my best attempt at a blue inked stained smile as a picture was taken of me receiving my certificate and rosette, with Poppie’s whooping drowning out most of the uninterested, polite claps that were happening. I was just getting in the way of the tractor dancing event, which apparently was the highlight of the show. Other than Alec Wright. I headed off the stage and was shown to the exit in the fencing, groaning to see Alec and Ruth standing there.
‘Congratulations, first event and a win,’ Alec beamed.
‘Thank you, I’m quite shocked all things considered. Thanks for the loan of the clothes and towel, I’ll bring them to the next meeting if that’s ok?’
‘I could come to yours to pick them up,’ he suggested, then winced as Ruth elbowed him in the ribs. ‘On second thoughts, the meeting would be great.’
‘Ok, thanks. I’d better get going. My underwear is soaked. I mean … you know, because of the water, not because we had a roll in the hay, which we totally didn’t … I’m going now and it’s the boots farting, not me,’ I garbled, quickly squeezing past them.
‘Congratulations, again,’ Alec called with a chuckle.
‘Hardly an achievement when she was the only competitor. No one ever wants to judge Daisy given her reputation,’ Ruth scoffed. I stalled in my tracks, clutching my precious rosette and certificate to my chest. I’d had less than a minute to bask in the relative glory of my win. As if I hadn’t been humiliated enough today as it was, I’d only won by default?
‘Ruth, there was no need to tell her that,’ I heard Alec bite. I felt some tears roll down my cheeks as I imagined the smug look on her face. I dumped my winnings in the nearest rubbish container and ran past a surprised Poppie, all the way back to my car.
I threw myself into the driver’s seat and cried properly. No wonder I was single. I was a walking disaster. Rubbish at everything.
‘Paige,’ sighed Poppie when she found me.
‘I’m so stupid. Look what a fool I made of myself.’
‘You didn’t, you stayed dignified throughout. No shit,’ she winked. I giggled and wiped my eyes.
‘I deserve a cow pat on the back don’t I?’ I sniffed.
‘Pull the udder one, now mooove it,’ she teased, dragging me out and giving me a tight squeeze.
‘Did I look at complete teet?’
‘No bull, I’m not going to lie, it was hilarious. I’m going to milk it forever,’ she laughed, continuing our cow themed banter. ‘At least this Alec situation is all out in the open. It’s Fresian now.’
‘Fresian?’
‘Black and White, a Fresian cow.’
‘I thought they were Hereford’s,’ I frowned, pulling back to look at her.
‘Whatever, cowtato, cowtarto, point is you know he’s unavailable now. Time to move on.’
‘I guess,’ I sighed, not sure I’d ever get over him. ‘I’ll have to go on Thursday to give him his clothes back.’
‘Fine, but then you’re quitting. You want to join a townies club, let’s go wine-tasting or something,’ she suggested with a smile.
‘We’re underage, for a few more months at least,’ I reminded her. She sighed with a shake of her head.
‘I can’t wait until we’re legal and I can ditch this fake ID.’
‘You’re a nightmare, Poppie,’ I laughed. ‘Thanks for cheering me up, come on, let’s go home. I need to try and get this ink of my face and lips. I’ve had enough crap today to last me a lifetime!’
‘I’ve had another great idea for mixing with fit, toned guys when we start the new term,’ she stated confidently.
‘Why do I have a feeling that I may live to regret it?’ I grinned, sliding into the drivers seat, taking a non-so subtle inhalation of Alec’s t-shirt before Poppie jumped in and slammed the door. She rolled her eyes when she caught me.
‘He was hot,’ she confirmed as I started the car.
‘Tell me about it,’ I sighed.
Book Teaser:
My Book Review:
What does it take to find your one true love?
Paige Taylor and Alec Wright fall in love, but life has different plans for them. So with a parting promise of "until we collide," Paige and Alec go their separate ways and follow different paths in life. Ten years years later, both Paige and Alec find themselves at a crossroads in their lives, then fate steps in at just the right time for their lives to collide, and maybe get a second chance at finding true love.
In her debut romantic comedy novel, Until We Collide, author Charlotte Fallowfield weaves a delightful tale that has just the right mixture of romance and humor that easily keeps the reader following Paige and Alec's story. Told in the first person perspective of Paige, I couldn't help but really like her, she is a beautiful but clumsy and oh so funny girl, who along with her best friend Poppie, finds herself caught up in a lot of dating mishaps and disasters that are hilarious, while her heart still beats only for Alec. Then there is swoon worthy Alec, who never stopped loving Paige, even though they had taken different life paths so long ago, they are just the perfect couple. You just never know when fate will step in and allow you another chance at your heart's desire. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this story, it made me laugh, groan, sigh, and smile, what more could anyone ask for?!
Until We Collide is a funny, sweet, and entertaining romantic comedy that will keep you in stitches and leave a smile on your face.
RATING: 5 STARS
About The Author
Her alter ego, C.J. Fallowfield, is an Amazon #1 bestselling author of contemporary humorous erotic romance novels. She started writing in October 2013 and released her first novel, New Leaves, No Strings (The Austin Series #1) in January 2014.
Charlotte Fallowfield’s debut romantic comedy novel is due to be released on the 21st February 2016.
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